Never Doubted You
by Raving-Lunatic
Summary: Her voice had gone into that deep, cold register that she reserved for diplomats and people she didn't really like. Kaidan felt his stomach turn. Hadn't he tried this before? Hadn't he spent enough time condemning her for the things she had done? femShep/Kaidan femShep/Garrus sad triangle.
1. Fallout

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I always felt that Shepard's personal life was a little lacking in drama. Relationships are never that clean, especially if you played femShep and chose to do both Kaidan and Garrus. I mean, I understand that it's a galactic war and getting upset about your boyfriend is a bit silly. But hey, that's what fan fiction is for, right? I have a few Shepards. This one is Kendal. She was with Kaidan, but after his rejection she chose Garrus in ME2. I always wanted her to be angrier with Kaidan for what he did, so this is my take on it.

Blind panic wasn't even the right word for it. Kaidan didn't really believe there was a word for the feelings he was grappling with.

Vertigo. Terror. Unreality. Anxiety. Mind numbing fear.

Tali had had to physically restrain him in the hovercraft as Shepard ran toward a goddamn Reaper, on _foot_. He had punched the Quarian squarely in the mouth, or at least, he had punched her in her "Induction Port". He felt awful about it later. Tali had literally laid on top of him, to keep him from interrupting the Commander's act of suicidal bravery.

He couldn't lose her. Not again.

The first time Shepard died had nearly broken him. He had never told her, but six months after her death, he had been given a mandatory leave of absence to "clear his head". In reality, Captain Anderson had removed him of his duties and told him to get his shit together before he could come back to service.

Kaidan had been a wreck. He drank too much and too often. He began neglecting his duties as an Alliance officer. He punched his new CO in the face. He had known that eventually, his behavior would no longer be overlooked. In a way, he looked forward to it. He spent a lot of time on Earth, staring out at the bay with a glass of Whiskey, wondering where it all went wrong.

Now, suddenly he had her back. After two years of feeling lost and out of touch with the world around him, he suddenly felt alive again. He felt...happy. Instead of drifting through life in a fog, waiting for purpose, he suddenly had direction again. He had a purpose, a goal, a life, and Shepard was at the center of it.

And right then, a Reaper was lurching it's way toward the center of that world, charging a laser that could wipe her off the face of the galaxy forever.

He should have trusted her more. He always should have trusted her more.

A few minutes later, the Reaper was dead and Shepard had brokered peace between two races which, moments earlier, had been determined to commit genocide against one another. Kaidan was left feeling foolish for his violent opposition to her actions, but the fear remained. It twisted in his stomach. That unsettling anxiety that he would lose her all over again. How many times could she face these impossible odds and still come out alive?

Back in the Normandy, the reaction to the Commander was predictable. There was much cheering, toasting and back slapping. No one on the ship had seen just how close to annihilation the Commander had really been. They didn't see the monstrous machine looming over her, coming ever closer, that one red eye burning and burning...

Tali, still happily dazed by the unimaginable turn of events, was able to see the deep anguish in Kaidan's face as he quietly escaped the welcome party and disappeared into the ship's lounge. She glanced to her left and saw that Garrus was watching, too. He shook his head, mandibles quivering.

Hours later, the ship had calmed. There was still much to do and Shepard didn't allow much drinking onboard. Though the crew insisted that peace between the Geth and the Quarians was reason enough to open their only bottle of brandy, Shepard had ordered them to save it for their shore leave on the Citadel. She had then disappeared into her cabin, and hadn't been heard from since.

For her part, she was taking a very long shower. Kaidan wasn't the only one who couldn't shake the image of that burning red laser. She had been able to feel its heat as it screamed past her, again and again. Sweat pouring down her back, electricity and fire crackling in the air, that giant creature looming over her, the terrible trumpeting sound of its rage...

She shivered and counted down from twenty.

In the heat of battle it was so easy to focus on the enemy and ignore her fear. It was the part of her personality that had made her so successful thus far. She could tune out any distractions. The world would narrow to the pinpoint of her scope and nothing mattered but the fight. She lived for the satisfaction of the "pink mist" as enemy heads exploded in her sights.

But afterwards. After the pop, pop, pop of gunfire had quieted. After the ground stopped shaking and her shields stopped sparking. It was afterwards that always ate her up inside. It made her restless, uneasy.

The sound it made, screaming and thundering and sonorous and terrible. The eye of the Devil bearing down on her, her only protection: a targeting laser and a thousand ships, thousands of miles away...

She shivered again and counted down from twenty.

When her skin was pink from the heat of the water and she was nearly half asleep, she finally stepped out of the shower. She thought about putting on her uniform and going out to visit with the crew, but decided she should take advantage of her exhaustion and get some sleep. Therefore, she was still wearing a towel when she left the bathroom and stepped into her cabin.

She also wasn't alone.

Kaidan leapt up from her desk the instant he saw her. He didn't even wait to be acknowledged or greeted. He didn't even seem to notice her state of undress. He strode three steps toward her, grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her into a ferocious kiss.

Shepard's internal instincts told her that the best means of incapacitating an enemy who chose to attack in this fashion would be to kick him in the gnads.

Which she did. Instinctively.

"Jeez, Shepard-!" Kaidan fell to the floor with a pained moan, grabbing at his crotch a little too late.

Shepard instantly felt guilty and fell to the floor with him. Forgetting about her towel, she put both hands on his shoulders.

"Kaidan! I'm so sorry it was totally instinctual, I'm so sorry. I told you never to sneak up on me!"

Her hands found his face and made him look at her. Seeing the worry on her face, he finally stopped groaning and started laughing.

"It's, ow, okay," he said. "I shouldn't have jumped you like that."

Seeing him smile, albeit painfully, made her feel a little better.

"I mean, I don't mind being jumped now and then," she said coyly.

Kaidan suddenly cleared his throat, and gestured toward the towel on the floor. Shepard realized, then, that she was still naked and wrapped it quickly around her, blushing.

"What are you doing here, anyways?" She said, standing. She offered Kaidan a hand, and he took it. "And how long have you been in here?" She added.

The question seemed to remind him of why he was there, and something dark returned to his expression.

"What the hell were you thinking, Shepard?"

Standing there, relatively vulnerable, in a towel, Shepard didn't take well to being questioned. Especially not in that tone of voice. Her shoulder's stiffened and Kaidan realized he was in for a fight.

"I guess I was thinking that one or two races would go extinct if I didn't do what I did," she said angrily.

"But taking out a Reaper...on foot?"

She stormed down the steps toward her bed and the dresser, intent on finding pajamas or at least something that didn't need to be held to stay on her body. Kaidan followed after her, like a worried mother hen.

"It's not like there was much other choice," she said, roughly throwing an Alliance shirt and some underwear onto the bed.

"What, like how you had no choice but to work with Cerberus? There's always another choice, Shepard."

He knew he had said too much when she froze in the act of looking for pants. He expected her to turn on him, to throw something at him, or maybe kick him where it really hurt again. But she didn't. Instead, she continued what she was doing, and refused to meet his eyes.

"If that's the way you want to see it, then I can't argue with you. I did what I had to. I've always done what I had to."

Her voice had gone into that deep, cold register that she reserved for diplomats and people she didn't really like. Kaidan felt his stomach turn. Hadn't he tried this before? Hadn't he spent enough time condemning her for the things she had done? She had worked with Cerberus to defeat the Collectors. He had turned her away in anger, and she had understood. He questioned her actions during the Cerberus coup, doubting if she would not have pulled the trigger on him. She had understood. And here he was, yelling at her for destroying a Reaper and saving not one race but two, from destruction and still, she understood. In all this time, after everything that had happened, she had never shown him anything but understanding and kindness.

Kaidan grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at him. At first this only made her angrier, until she saw his face.

"But why does it always have to be you?" He whispered.

"Oh, Kaidan," she said softly. The fight sank out of her and was replaced with sadness.

This time, when he pulled her in to kiss her, she did not knee him in the groin. His kiss was fierce and desperate. She could feel his hands shaking as he touched her, his breath sharp and shallow. It was the first time they had kissed since she had died more than two years ago.

The pure needing between them was intense. They needed to touch each other. She needed the comfort of his embrace, the strength of his shoulders, the softness of his skin. He needed to feel her, to know she was alive, that she was real and not just another haunting nightmare. They had been mutually avoiding it for weeks, ever since she invited him to rejoin the crew. She would swear she could feel him, where ever he was on the ship, as if his was a burning presence she could practically taste. Now, that desperate wanting made him hold her so tightly, it hurt, but she didn't care. She bit his lip and might have drawn blood, but he didn't flinch.

"I want you," he murmured hotly in her ear, and she pulled him to the bed with her.

Later, with only the shimmering blue light of the fish tank, Kaidan lay awake, tracing the soft lines of her body as she slept.

He was exhausted. Shepard had not been forgiving during or after. Sometimes he hadn't been able to tell if they were still fighting or making love. Sometimes it was so slow and intense, he thought it might last forever. They had both fallen asleep at first, but Kaidan had jolted awake from another nightmare of Shepard's corpse floating through space.

But there she was, sleeping soundly beside him. Her hair, now dry after the shower, had been mussed into cowlicks which he knew would free themselves from her ponytail in the morning. Resting there beside him, she had none of her usual defenses to hide behind. He could see the deep circles beneath her eyes, and the crow's feet which were quickly deepening around them.

Gently, he began tracing his finger over her body as she lay, uncovered, beside him. The cabin was warm after their steamy interlude, and she seemed content to lay on her stomach completely naked. He realized then, that he wasn't just admiring the soft curves of her flesh. He was looking for changes. Cerberus had supposedly rebuilt her and resurrected her from the dead. With that kind of power, what else would they have done to her?

Without even being conscious of it, he was still doubting her.

Kaidan sighed, and put his head in his hands.

A moment later, Shepard stirred beside him. He immediately felt guilty that he might have disrupted her slumber. It was generally believed by the entire crew that Shepard wasn't sleeping much. But when he looked down at her, he realized she had probably been awake before he was. The expression on her face was all too knowing.

"What did I ever do to make you so afraid of me?" she asked softly.

Kaidan huffed a defeated little laugh.

"You died," he said softly.

She sat up beside him, her dirty blonde hair falling around her shoulders in waves. It was surprisingly long when it wasn't secured in a ponytail. He remembered she used to keep it shorter.

She ran her hands over his shoulders and lightly down his bare back, making him shiver despite himself. Her touch felt like little more than air passing over his skin. It was strange to think that she could be gentle, when so much of her life required brutality and strength.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She said quietly, reluctantly.

He looked back at her, smiling ruefully.

"Do you?"

She shrugged a little too quickly.

"For me it was only a moment or two. You had two years..."

"Do you remember it?" He asked suddenly. She looked at him, perplexed, a strand of hair across her face. "Never mind," he said hastily, "forget I asked."

"Do I remember dying?" She said, a bit gruff. "No, not really."

She was looking away from him, picking at a loose piece of string in the sheets. He knew by the tension in her shoulders that she was lying. Though a part of him desperately wished she would tell him everything, he knew that Shepard typically kept a lot of things to herself. He used to try and pry information out of her in the past, but had found that it was best to feign disinterest, until she was ready to talk. He grabbed her hand, and tilted her chin until she was looking at him. The expression on her face was irritated, but he knew she would listen to him.

"It's ok, you don't have to tell me," he said softly, and kissed her lips. "But you have enough troubles to keep you up at night. Lending them to someone else for a while, might be good for you."

"That's what the psych evaluators are for, when all of this is over," she said, smirking.

Kaidan wasn't impressed by the deflection.

"Yeah but what about now? How often have you used the ship's liquor stores to get you to sleep at night? How many solar days have you gone without sleeping at all?"

She pulled away from him, her eyes clouding with pain. He grabbed her arm and pulled her back down to the bed, before she could disappear entirely.

"Kaidan-"

"Shepard, I'm not the only who notices. They're all worried for you, but they have no choice but to lay all of the responsibility, all of their hope, on you. At least I recognize that you're human, Shepard. I know that no one can handle that much pressure without venting somewhere, even you."

"I-" she stopped, her expression conflicted. His heart twisted by the vulnerability he saw in her eyes.

"Don't get me wrong Shep," he said, smiling, "I would really like you to save the galaxy and all that. But someday you're going to have to stop fixing everyone else's problems and start dealing with some of your own."

"You used to be that person, you know," she said softly.

"What do mean?" he asked, startled by the confession.

"You used to be the person I turned to whenever I needed someone to talk to. But when I needed an ally, when I needed _you_, you didn't believe in me," her voice had gone cold and emotionless, and he felt his heart drop into his stomach.

"Shepard I'm-"

"Sorry...I know."

They sat in silence for a while. The vast emptiness of space passed by above and around them. The fish darted here and there, completely oblivious to the precarious state of the galaxy.

"I'm sorry," she said softly, "you have to go."

He sat up, surprised. She sat at the end of the bed, her back to him in the twilight darkness. Kaidan felt that familiar swimming in his stomach as he looked at her. She seemed so small, so defeated. He had never seen her so unhappy.

"This is about Garrus...isn't it?"

He liked Garrus, or at least he had. They had different opinions about the way things should be done, specifically, Garrus liked to go around the rules (very unusual for a Turian) and Kaidan tended to do things by the book. But they had always enjoyed each other's company. After the trouble with the Collectors was finished, and Shepard had been taken into Alliance custody, Kaidan had struggled with how to contact her. With the amount of red tape keeping her secluded until her hearing, he hadn't really been given a chance. So he had reached out to old friends and crew members, asking them how she was, was she ok, did she ever mention him?

In the end, Liara was the only one to give him the kindness of telling him the truth. While the Asari had been wise enough to avoid specifics, she mentioned that Garrus and Shepard had become...very close.

But he was a Turian. They couldn't even eat the same food together. In his mind, he began to make assumptions that "close" only went as far as friendship. After all, Shepard and Garrus had always had a remarkable rapport. Ever since the day they had stumbled upon him in the Citadel Tower, Shepard had always had a certain smile on her face when she talked to the ex-Citadel Security officer. But as he continued to discuss it with Liara, and a few of the others, he began to notice the way they quietly dissuaded him from his hope that he and Shepard still had a chance. After they had rescued Liara from the outpost on Mars, he had made sure he had an opportunity to talk to the Shadow Broker alone. Surely if anyone had answers, it would be her.

"_When you told me that Shepard and Garrus were close, you didn't mean they were friends, did you?"_

_The Asari's eyes seemed impossibly blue in the light from her many comm link screens. She glanced at him, briefly, as she attached a few more fiber optic cables. From the small sigh and the way her shoulders sank, just a few degrees, he knew that her answer would not be something he wanted to hear. _

"_No, Kaidan," then, "I'm sorry." _

"_It's not your fault," he said softly. He knew that Liara had been infatuated since Shepard had rescued her from the dig site on Therum. They had that in common. Liara envied and admired the Commander's strength. After Shepard died, Liara had become more like her. She had become darker, more violent, more aggressive. Shepard had a way of changing people. She was a natural force, shaping the world around her._

_Liara stepped toward him and put her hands on his shoulders. _

"_It isn't yours, either," she said softly. _

"_Of course it is," he said bitterly. "I rejected her. I pushed her into the arms of someone else." _

"_Shepard makes her own choices, Kaidan, you of all people should know that. Her and Garrus...they have something unique. She needs him." _

_And Kaidan couldn't help but reflect miserably that he needed Shepard, more than she would ever need him. _

Finally, when the time seemed right, he had asked her about Garrus. He wasn't sure if she would lie, or if she would avoid the question. He shouldn't have doubted her. The Commander answered honestly, and he at last knew for certain that she had moved on in his absence.

"He means a lot to me Kaidan," she was saying, almost so softly he couldn't hear. "This would hurt him."

"Don't I mean anything to you, too?" He asked, and tried to put his hand on her shoulder.

She stood up abruptly, her hands curled into fists. There was just enough light that he could see the distress on her face. For a moment, he imagined that she might be crying.

"Kaidan..." she took a deep breath, "You and I were just beginning our relationship when we were...interrupted. We hadn't really had time to explore each other. That is the only reason this happened," she said, cutting the air with her hand. Her eyes met his across all the wounded time between them, and he saw the sparkle of unshed tears. "Your rejection on Horizon _crushed _me, Kaidan."

For some reason he felt angry. He had thought she was dead for two years! Two years he mourned her, and when she returned, she was working for terrorists.

"You were with Cerberus!" he said, standing to follow her as she turned her back against his accusations. She grabbed her t-shirt from the floor and pulled it over her head before stopping in front of the fish tank, watching the myriad of brilliant creatures as they swam lazily to and fro. "You came back from the dead! What was I supposed to think?"

As soon as the words left his mouth, she rounded on him, her eyes blazing with anger.

"You were supposed to trust me!" she yelled.

He backed up a step, shocked by the vehemence of her rage. He could see the flush in her cheeks, the way her chest heaved with emotion.

"Like Garrus?" he asked softly.

For some reason, this only made her angrier. Her lip curled in a snarl, and she jabbed her finger toward him, accusing.

"_Garrus _has followed me to Hell and back every time!"

"I guess now I understand why you take him with you on every mission," he snapped, "the others just say it's favoritism."

She looked startled for a moment, before pure rage took it's place.

"First of all, it is not favoritism if I prefer to take someone whose capabilities I trust on missions where failure is not an option-"

"Failure is never an option with you!"

"Let me finish! Second of all, the last time I left people I care about on the Normandy, they were taken by the enemy. Some of them died!"

"So... what? You take him everywhere to protect him?"

"No," she yelled, "I take him with me because he's never doubted me! _Garrus _has always trusted my judgement! _Garrus _has always believed in me! _You," _she hissed, her finger against his chest, "didn't."

Her eyes, glaring into his with ferocity and anger, suddenly dimmed. Her hands dropped loosely by her sides, and she turned away from him again. She crossed her arms across her chest, as if trying to hold all of her hurt inside.

"You stopped believing in me the minute the symbol on my uniform changed," she said softly.

Kaidan felt the flush of anger that had been burning in his face suddenly go cool. He had hurt her, more than he could have thought.

"I'm sorry Shepard," he whispered. "Seeing you again... I was just overwhelmed. I screwed up. I know that now. Do I really have to lose you again?"

Her answer, when it came, made all of the sensation in his body go numb.

"You already did."

They stood that way for a while, as Kaidan struggled with what to do next. He couldn't just walk away. He had walked away from her once already and look at where it had brought him. He loved her so fiercely, but he knew that nothing he said would ever make her turn back to him again.

"You love him...don't you?" he said quietly.

"...yes," she said, and he could hear the tears in her voice.

As he gathered his clothes and put them on, he could see her shoulders shaking. She did not turn away from her contemplation of the fish tank. She did not even glance at him, as he stopped beside her on his way out the door, and put a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Shepard," he whispered, and kissed her cheek.

That night, as he made the lonely, awful trek to his rack, he could taste her tears on his lips.


	2. More than One Way to Make Amends

Once the sound of the elevator descending had faded and nothing was left of Kaidan's presence but his scent on her sheets, Shepard began to try and figure out what to do next. It was fairly obvious that she wouldn't be sleeping. She hadn't slept at all since returning from the battle on Rannoch. Her nagging guilt and the ever-present fear of the future had kept her awake, long after Kaidan had fallen into blissful unconsciousness.

Garrus would be crushed.

She knew that. But she needed him so badly, in that moment. She needed his steadfast confidence in her. She needed the rumble of his voice, and the sturdiness of his plated shoulders to lean on.

Frustrated by her weakness, she wiped the tears roughly from her cheeks and glared sternly at her reflection in the glass. Once the argument with Kaidan had begun, she had stared into her own ghostly face, watching her strength fail her with every tear that fell. What a stupid reason to cry, when the entire galaxy was slowly being eradicated by sentient machines.

But now that she had started, it didn't seem that the tears had an end. It was as if the confrontation with Kaidan had made a crack in the dam, and now the built up hardships of the last few years were beginning to flood her mind. She felt a darkness yawning open within her, bearing sharp, pointed teeth of despair that threatened to masticate her self-confidence and swallow her whole.

Mildly panicked by the force of her emotions, she went to her dresser and once again began a ferocious hunt for appropriate clothing. At first, she wasn't really sure what her plan was. She knew, somewhere in the logical half of her mind, that she was hysterical. She knew that she needed a hot shower, a cup of something warm and possibly alcoholic, and a good night's sleep.

But the tides were swelling and she feared drowning.

Laughing, crying, sniffling, she pulled on her N7 sweats, and drew the hood down, deep over her face. For a minute, she sat on the edge of her bed with her hands in her sleeves, just like she used to do when she was a child. She sniffled, wiped her face on her sweatshirt, and tried to calm down.

By the clock beside her bed, it was very late. Most of the crew would be resting, although time was a little more fluid aboard a spacefaring vessel. People slept and ate and worked in shifts, often sharing racks to save space. There was never a time when the ship was completely deserted.

Well, there was. Once.

Shepard pulled the edges of her hood down and buried her face in her knees. She screamed. She screamed and screamed and screamed, feeling sorry for every dead soul that had waited patiently for her to save them. She screamed for the millions dying every day. She felt her teeth in her kneecap and laughed madly at her own despair.

She only stopped when she heard a tentative knock on her cabin door.

Confused, she stared stupidly at the door from under a curtain of mussy hair. Had she imagined it? She certainly hadn't heard the elevator. What if it was Kaidan?

God, she hoped it wasn't Kaidan.

"...Shepard?"

Even though the voice was muffled and indistinct, she knew immediately who it was. Simultaneous, conflicting emotions raged through her mind until she felt she might have gone permanently insane.

_This is it, _she thought, _I've finally cracked under all the pressure._

But sanity is harder to relinquish than one would think, and she found herself quickly straightening her appearance: brushing back the tangles of unruly blonde hair, scrubbing the mucus and tears from her cheeks, and smoothing the rumples in her clothes. She quickly threw her sheet over her bed and, in a moment of pure panic, sprayed perfume in the air to diminish the stench of sex and misery.

She took a moment to observe her haphazard handiwork.

_What have I done?_ She thought miserably.

The door opened with a soft sigh at her touch.

"Garrus," she said softly, "What are you doing here?"

She knew by the look on his face that he was wildly concerned. By the telltale shiver in his mandibles, she guessed it was taking everything he had not to rush forward and embrace her. He respected her too much to force his affections on her. He always had.

"EDI said that I might need to come check on you," he said uncertainly.

Shepard made a mental note to chastise the AI for eavesdropping and to thank her, thank her, thank her...

"I did something awful," she said, and then dropped her eyes, covering her traitorous mouth with her sleeve.

She heard him sigh, and the soft click of his armor as he leaned against the doorway.

"I'm going to go ahead and guess that it has something to do with Kaidan disappearing up to your quarters a few hours ago," he said ruefully.

Miserably, she nodded.

"Well, I don't know about you, but I think I could use a drink for this conversation. What do you say? Take over the rec room and lock the door?"

She looked up with hesitation and felt such tremendous relief at the small smile on his face, that she thought for certain that she would collapse. He seemed to sense this somehow, and ushered her out of her room with a reassuring hand against her lower back. His hands were so large, he could almost wrap them entirely around her waist.

"Remind me to kill EDI," she said.

"Commander," an electronic voice said softly, "I did not listen to anything in your room. My sensors detected your emotional distress from the elevator shaft."

"Oh. Good," Shepard responded weakly. "I'll take a very stiff drink, I think."

The elevator ride down to the Crew Deck felt painfully slow. They didn't speak, and she struggled desperately to think of what she was even supposed to say. The word "cheater" swirled in cycles through her mind and her guilt began to tilt in her stomach, making her queasy with shame. It occurred to her, suddenly, that Kaidan might have had the same idea that they had.

The elevator door swished open, and Garrus turned toward the Port Observatory, where the ship's bar was waiting.

"Garrus, wait-" she said, grabbing his arm. "EDI-"

"Kaidan is not in the Port Observatory, Commander," the AI answered helpfully.

Shepard heaved a heavy sigh of relief, and let go of the Turian's arm. He watched her a moment longer, his face impassive.

"You and I really need to talk, don't we?" he said quietly.

Wordlessly, nauseously, miserably, she nodded.

He was kind enough to wait until they were both settled on one of the couches, a pair of strong drinks in each of their hands, and a shot of brandy already settling in the Commander's stomach. Garrus had hidden away a few bottles of liquor that his body could actually process and he had poured himself a double as soon as the door was locked behind them. EDI assured them that they had their privacy before deactivating her sensors in that room.

The quiet descended, heavy and pregnant with unsaid words. Shepard could feel her voice sticking in her throat. For once in her life, she had no idea what to say.

"Mamihlapinatapei," she said quietly.

"Hm?" Garrus seemed startled by her voice, and turned to her with his glass halfway to his mouth.

"Mamihlapinatapei," she said again. His brow plate drew downward in confusion.

"Is my translator malfunctioning? Because as far as I know, that was gibberish," he said, smiling softly.

"It's an old word, from a culture on Earth that doesn't exist anymore. It means the look shared between two people who both desire to initiate something but are both reluctant to start."

She finished her drink, hoping to lubricate the words that just wouldn't come. A warm heat was already spreading to her limbs, making the sorrow a little easier to bear. Her anxiety about the conversation to come hadn't diminished, but it's edges were a little less abrasive in her stomach.

Garrus made a low sub-vocal rumble in his chest, an expression of deep thought.

"Well," he said finally, "Why don't you start by telling me what the hell happened up there?"

"Garrus, I-" she stopped, ran her hands over her face, "I screwed up."

"Ok..." he said slowly, "you know you're making it really hard for me to stay calm right now."

She met his eyes and felt the true pain of her betrayal cut through her. His face was so open, so honest, so full of love and respect. She hated the idea that in a few moments, she would take all of that away. He would hate her. He had to.

"Kaidan and I...I got out of the shower and he was there, and he was way out of line and I just...I don't know why I let it happen-"

"OK," he said loudly, putting his hands on her arms and forcing her to sit back down before her rambling turned into panic. "I think I get the idea. You were unfaithful."

Hearing him say it was worse than anything she could imagine. Watching him turn away from her, his chin on his fists, brow plate pulled low over his eyes, so much so that she couldn't even see the expression in them...she felt the deep burning fear of losing the one person in the galaxy that she truly trusted. She had betrayed him.

"I have nothing to say to defend myself," she whispered.

Garrus stood and went to the window. His arms crossed over his chest as he stared thoughtfully into the darkness. Shepard knew that she needed to give him time to think. She knew that anything else she said would just be another spade-full deeper into the hole she had dug around herself. But his silence was agonizing.

"Please say something," she said, at last.

"You and Kaidan," he said slowly, "you never really got to close the book."

He turned to look at her, and she could only stare back at him in confusion, waiting for him to elaborate. However, she realized he expected a reply.

"I thought the book was pretty closed when he told me off on Horizon," she said sourly.

"No," he replied, shaking his head, "Your death was hard on Kaidan. Seeing you alive, must have been even worse."

"Are you defending him?" she said suddenly, the heat returning to her voice.

He held up his hands placatingly, and shook his head.

"I can only imagine what he went through after losing you twice. But obviously there was something missing, or he wouldn't have hesitated to join you to stop the Collectors. I know I didn't."

"No, you didn't," she said softly. "You've never hesitated to trust me, and now look what I've done: I betrayed you. I've stabbed you in the back-"

She had to stop because the words had become soft and wet with tears in her mouth. She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face into the soft crook of her elbow. When she felt his warmth beside her, pulling her toward him, she leaned into his embrace gratefully.

"You did, a little."

She looked up at him with narrowed eyes, disgruntled by his humor in a moment like this. He looked appropriately chastised.

"Ok, a lot," he said, and then smiled stiffly. "And I won't say that I'm not upset. I just...I don't see how that helps us right now."

Shepard growled with frustration and stood, pushing his hands off of her shoulders with vehemence. She could see the look of utter confusion on the Turian's face as she began to pace angrily in front of him.

"I really need you to be pissed at me right now, Garrus," she said fiercely.

"Why?" he asked, genuinely perplexed.

"Because I did something awful!"

He stood, grabbing her by the shoulders and forcing her to stop.

"What do you want me to do, Shepard? Yell at you? How is that going to make anything better?"

"I betrayed you!" she said loudly, "How can you be so goddamned understanding? Stop it!"

And she pushed him squarely in the chest.

Shepard wasn't weak by anyone's standards. Years of wearing heavy armor and carrying even heavier weapons had conditioned her body to deliver blows with devastating force. In her emotional state, she was cognizant enough not to use her full strength, but she pushed him hard enough that he stumbled into the bar and sent a shelf full of shot glasses shattering to the floor.

In the stunned silence that followed, Garrus only leaned against the countertop where he landed, glancing over his shoulder to make note of the damage. He turned back to Shepard, the look on his face so full of bewilderment, that she almost started to cry again.

"Shepard, I am really not-"

"Don't you dare!"

He stopped, mouth open, brow plate high on his face. He looked completely lost. Shepard felt a brief flicker of hatred. She hated herself for acting so irrational and she hated him for not understanding. Of everyone she had ever known, Garrus had _always _understood her. Now, he was looking at her like a complete stranger. It made her want to throw up, faint, break something; it made her want to surrender to the Reapers and die.

Suddenly, as if he had read her mind, his brow plate drew down low over his eyes. Shepard had a very brief moment to recognize Turian rage before she was knocked flat on her back with his shoulder in her solar plexus.

One large claw grabbed both of her wrists and pinned them painfully against the floor. Shepard gasped desperately for air, deliriously noting that one of the desks had been overturned, it's lamp shattered and gone dark. Garrus's weight settled on her chest, making it even harder to regain her breath. She felt the scrape of his mandibles against her cheek and his breath against her ear.

"I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you right now," he said, the human curse word sounding strange in his voice, "but I think I have a decent guess. I'm going to say this, and you're going to listen to me because as far as I'm concerned, I'm the **only** person in this galaxy that has **any right** to tell you when to go **fuck** yourself."

She growled underneath him, beginning to struggle now that her breath was returning to it's normal rhythm. Her mind had exploded into brilliant clarity the minute her back hit the floor. This was something she understood. The fight against the attacker, that was something she was comfortable with.

"Sit still," he growled and she felt it in her ribs. The deep vibration mingled with the adrenaline in her blood. Although she still felt the toxic mix of sorrow, rage and self-loathing in that moment, she couldn't help but feel like rolling him over, stripping off his armor and taking him, right then and there.

"I think you're upset right now, but I don't think it has as much to do with me or Kaidan as it has to do with _you,"_ he said.

The last word came out as a growl as he shoved her back down to the floor. She had tried to take advantage of his minor distraction and gain the upper hand, but unfortunately for her, Garrus was larger and stronger. He was also a familiar sparring partner. He knew her moves, and he knew her pressure points. One large claw dug into the space between the bones of her wrist and she cried out in genuine pain before going still.

Frustrated, she met the gaze she had been avoiding.

"I think you're pissed that you can't save everybody, and I think you're letting it eat you up inside. You think doing something _stupid, _like hurting the people you love and forcing them to hurt you, will atone for it somehow. But it _won't _Shepard. Whether you like it or not, _I still believe in you."_

She knew by the hard stare of his eyes that he was telling the absolute truth. He had always told her the absolute truth. His faith in her was more punishing than any rejection ever could have been. She felt the tears pushing their way to the corners of her eyes and spilling over her temples, even as her jaw set with rigid pride.

"_Screw you,_" she said venomously.

"OK fine," he growled, "you want to play it this way, then that's how we'll play it, but for the record: I tried to be reasonable."

Shepard found herself dragged carelessly to her feet by her wrists. Despite her struggling, Shepard could not manage to free herself as he dragged her around the broken lamp and threw her roughly onto the couch.

She watched with narrowed eyes, rubbing the blossoming bruise on her forearm, as Garrus stood in front of her. His face was rigid and unreadable. She felt as if she could see the rage pouring off of him in waves. The light of the stars beyond glittered over the sharp edges of his fringe and the rounded plates of his armor. The silence between them thundered with the sound of blood in her ears. Although she knew Garrus well, she had never seen him this angry before. Everything about him that she knew and loved had disappeared into a stillness that seemed to echo with millions of years of predatory evolution. She was simultaneously terrified and excited, her guilt and self-loathing momentarily forgotten.

Angrily, he began to tear off his armor. His gauntlets went first, torn off venomously and tossed aside. Next, he unlatched his breastplate and let it hit the floor with a dull thud. All the while, his eyes never left hers. It was the most intimidating she had ever seen him. He stripped down to his thermal suit, all of his artificial protection removed.

When he came toward her, she was ready.

He grabbed her by the hair at the nape of her neck, dragging her off the couch into a fearsome kiss. She felt him bite down on her lower lip and she moaned, both pleasure and pain, as blood spilled onto her tongue.

In return, she swept his left leg, bringing them both crashing to the ground. Garrus easily countered, and rolled the pair of them until he had her pinned beneath him again. Shepard growled, a thin trail of blood tracing a path down her cheek to her ear. She felt his tongue lick it gently away and, in the back of her mind, knew that he would be sick by morning because of it.

The thought made her even angrier. How dare he sacrifice his health just to be with her? How dare this person, whom she loved and protected, use her own body to cause himself harm?

She hardly even felt the pain when she head butted him in the face.

Garrus fell back, not so much wounded as he was surprised. Shepard threw herself on top of him, pummeling his shoulders and forearms, raised upwards in self-defense, until she knew her knuckles would be black and bloody in the morning. He tolerated her abuse for a moment before grabbing both her wrists, successfully stopping the maelstrom of chaotic blows.

He planted his foot against her chest and tossed her easily over his head. Shepard landed on her back with a devastating thud, the air forced out of her once more and her skull reverberating with the impact. She groaned, dizzy and confused for just a moment, before scrambling back onto her feet.

Garrus was ready for her. He countered her right hook and grabbed her around the waist. He easily rolled her over his hip and threw her back to the ground.

Shepard leapt up again, hardly even phased. By now, adrenaline and liquor were numbing her senses until only the fire of her anger remained. She was nothing but confused, misguided hurt. She struck out again, and again he countered and threw her to the ground. Still, she was not phased. She found her feet again, stumbling ever so slightly as her head began to fuzz with the repeated impacts.

This time when she struck out, Garrus grabbed her arm and re-directed the force of her attack. She found herself spun around, her face pressed against the glass of the observatory window and her arm wrenched painfully behind her back.

Garrus pressed his body against her back, pulling her arm a little higher between her shoulder blades. Shepard growled as her shoulder twisted in its socket.

"Face it Shepard: I have the reach and it seems," he murmured, dragging her hand a little higher and drawing from her a genuine cry of pain, "that you've lost a little flexibility."

He kicked her feet apart, and she felt his hips press against her from behind.

"This is how they used to have us subdue scumbags, back in C-Sec. Is that what you want, Shepard? For me to subdue you, like a common criminal?"

She felt his claws grab the hood of her sweatshirt and spin her around. Although she hated the fact that she was being tossed around like a rag doll, she was relieved to have her arm back. She rubbed her shoulder bitterly, and glared up at him from under the mess that her hair had become.

"You're not even trying," he growled angrily.

When she moved, he wasn't ready. Garrus found himself tackled onto the couch, the Commander straddling his lap.

She kissed him, smearing blood onto his lips and tracking it down the side of his face, over his scars, under his chin, until she reached the soft, unprotected skin of his neck. She felt the rumble in his throat under her lips. He loved the feeling of her kiss against his bare skin. When she bit him, hard enough to make him hiss with pain, the rumble intensified.

"That's more like it," he murmured.

She bit him again, and he obediently shut up.

When he finally took her on the couch, neither of them was gentle. Her shoulders were criss-crossed with his teeth marks, her lips were swollen from his sharp kisses. The skin of his neck had turned a deep brown from the constant pressure of her teeth. His claws had left long red lines of scored flesh along her back and stomach. But despite her cuts and bruises, laying beside him on the floor, staring out into the unrelenting darkness of space, Shepard felt contented.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Hm?" he murmured, and she could hear the weariness humming in his voice.

"Thank you for knowing what I needed," she said.

He turned to look at her and smiled a little ruefully.

"You're more Turian than you think," he said.

"Oh? So it's common for Turians to settle romantic disputes with domestic violence?"

He snorted, his eyes closed. "No, but I think we use sparring as a way to exercise our feelings a little more frequently than humans do."

They lay in silence for a while, the ship humming softly through space around them. Despite the aches of her body, Shepard wasn't ready to sleep yet.

"Do you forgive me?" She asked softly.

"You know I do," he responded neutrally.

She rolled over onto her side and looked down into his face. Sensing her gaze on him, Garrus opened an eye to return her scrutiny.

"I'm sorry," she said.

He brushed a strand of hair away from her face and sighed, mandibles flaring.

"Shepard, I know you. I know this isn't something you would turn into a habit. But for the record? Don't bring me and Kaidan on any missions together. The less I see of him, the better."

Shepard considered his words heavily. She knew by the look in his eyes that Garrus was serious. There was no way of knowing exactly what would happen between Kaidan and Garrus were they ever to be left alone together. She couldn't really believe that either of them were capable of petty violence, but the hearts of men were fickle and these days times were hard enough already.

"Deal," she said softly.

"Commander Shepard."

Shepard closed her eyes and sighed.

"What is it, EDI?"

"I thought you might like to know, Tali Zorah is headed toward the Port Observatory."

Garrus and Shepard both sat up in alarm. They looked at the destruction of the room around them, and then at each other. Garrus started laughing first.

"Quit laughing and help me clean up!" Shepard said sternly, but could not stop the smile that threatened to crack her composure.

As Garrus struggled to snap on the various pieces of his armor, and Shepard hurriedly pulled on her sweats, they could hear the muffled disagreement happening on the other side of the door.

"What do you mean 'maintenance'?" Tali sounded exhausted and irate. Shepard guessed that the Quarian had not slept yet. Most likely, she was still trying to absorb the massive events that had transpired on Rannoch. Add to that the raging infection she was probably battling from removing her mask on her home world, and Shepard knew they were dealing with a very irate Tali Zorah Vas Normandy.

"The rec room is currently inaccessible, Tali Zorah," EDI said politely.

_God bless her, _Shepard thought ruefully. She would really have to think of something nice to do for the ship's AI when she got the chance.

"Yes but _why_ exactly? What needs maintenance in the rec room? I was just in engineering, there was no recorded maintenance scheduled for this area of the ship," she snapped.

"There is broken glass," EDI said uncertainly.

Shepard and Garrus both groaned.

"All right, who are you covering for?" The Quarian prodded ruthlessly.

At that moment, Shepard opened the door. She could see Tali's eyes widen behind her mask.

"Thank you EDI, I'll handle it from here," Shepard said gratefully.

"Yes, Commander."

Tali searched Shepard's face. She noted her cut and swollen lips, the bite marks across her neck and the swollen, bloody knuckles of her hands. She took in the physical damage to the Commander and then leaned around her to inspect the room beyond. Shepard could only imagine how it must have looked. Tali took in the broken glass, the crack in the bar, the broken lamp, and the Turian waving sheepishly at her from behind the Commander.

"Whatever happened, I don't want to know," she said, cutting the air with her hand.

"That," Shepard said, "is probably for the best."

"In fact," Tali said wearily, "I'm going to turn around now and go back to my rack and pretend that I didn't see anything."

As she watched her quarian friend turn back to the elevator and head back down to engineering, where she tended to sleep (though, Shepard couldn't fathom where), she felt Garrus's heavy hand on her shoulder.

"I think you and I should hit the rack as well," he said softly.

"What about this mess?" She said, gesturing behind her to the broken shot glasses behind the bar.

"I will handle it, Commander," EDI said, this time in person. She rounded the corner from the Med lad, where she had likely just activated her new body.

"Oh no, EDI," Shepard said guiltily, "It's very late and I think you've done enough to clean up my messes tonight."

"I do not require sleep, Commander," the AI responded. "And I do not mind helping my friends."

Shepard took a moment to note the oddity of hearing an AI refer to her as a 'friend'. However, if she thought about it hard enough, which she was much too tired to do, she had to remember that EDI was also courting her pilot. Being her 'friend' was hardly the most unusual thing that EDI had done.

"Come on, Commander," Garrus said lightly, and pushed her gently out the door. Shepard begrudgingly allowed herself to be prodded toward the elevator, yawning.

When they reached the elevator, Garrus stepped back, intending to stay on the Crew Deck where he usually slept. Shepard, however, would not allow it and pulled him onto the elevator with her. Smiling, he followed her up to her cabin.

Sleep found Garrus and the Commander quickly that night.


	3. Over and Out

**Author's Note/ DISCLAIMER: You guys are going to _hate _me. I deeply apologize for this ending. It's just the way the canon decided to form in my head. I'm not sure what I have against Kaidan, but things never go his way with my femSheps. I was listening to "Over and Out" by Alkaline Trio so I'm sure that contributed. Again, so so sorry. **

Garrus had always believed in Shepard. More than that, he had faith in her. He had faith that Shepard would always come through for you.

He knew that she was capable of betrayal. He had seen her do it. He had seen her... destroy people.

He had seen her fail.

But he didn't believe this was a malicious flaw in her character. He believed that Shepard's was a...force of nature. You were either strong enough to bear the weight of her presence or you were broken. He took pride in the fact that he was one of the few who were hardy enough.

When things got ugly, and people began to lose hope that they would ever get home, his faith had kept them strong. He never wavered in his belief that they would get off that deserted planet, and that she would be waiting for them.

People died. They weren't without loss. In the end, they succeeded.

Garrus ordered the ship to Earth first. No one questioned the decision.

When they reached the planet, they were overwhelmed with relief. When they had fled the explosion of the Citadel, they had all made dark assumptions about the results of the war. Everything was chaos. They had no way of knowing if the Crucible worked, or if it had been too little too late...

All they knew for certain was that the Mass Relays were destroyed. They had taken it as a bad sign.

But Earth was whole. Not only that, she was recovering. Clean up was well under way and there were signs of re-growth. They were rebuilding. More than they could have hoped.

They were given a heroes' welcome. It seemed that Earth, and the galactic community as a whole, were equally surprised to find them alive as well. They had disappeared for nearly 12 solar months. Ceremonies had been held in honor of their disappearance.

Her name was the first word out of his mouth when they landed.

When they told him, he fell to his knees, his head in his hands. One by one, the surviving crew of the Normandy stepped forward and placed their hands on his shoulders. He felt Tali put her palm on his brow plate and whisper, in the softest voice:

"Keelah se'lai."

She was alive.

_She was alive._

When he first saw her, all they could do was stare at each other. There were no words in any language that would say enough. He sat by her bedside, dumbfounded by the breath that sank in and out of her chest.

Finally, she said, "I waited at the bar."

He felt his breath leave him effortlessly, and he sank forward to rest his forehead against hers. She sighed against him, and put her palm on his cheek.

"I'm glad you came back," he whispered deeply.

He pulled his head back far enough to look into her eyes. She smiled.

"It wasn't easy," she said thickly.

He glanced down the bed, to the empty space where a leg should have been. When he glanced back at her, she looked sheepish.

"We'll get you a better one," he said confidently.

She laughed a little tearfully.

"Something in blue?"

"You always looked good in blue," he purred in agreement.

They stared at each other in silence, memorizing one another's faces in that moment. The surreality of finding her alive was making his head swim.

"Where have you been?" She asked forcefully.

He closed his eyes, gripping her hand. She did not flinch, but held on more tightly.

He told her about the deserted planet. He told her about their struggle to survive, and how they had escaped.

She told him about the bar, and the people she had met there. She told him she had had a brandy with the Illusive Man.

"Now, you're joking."

"He said he was sorry," she said, her expression thoughtful, "He said he was dead before I ever killed him."

She looked up at Garrus, her eyes a little troubled and shining.

"He said he always believed I would do the right thing, in the end. He said he believed in me."

A respectful silence descended. Garrus tried to imagine the Illusive Man, tipping his glass to the Commander, and saying he was sorry. He tried to imagine a man who had followed a road of Good Intentions all the way to the gates of Hell.

She asked about the crew, drawing him back to the present.

He told her who was alive.

She asked about Kaidan.

Garrus dropped his eyes, one claw covering his mouth. Shepard's grip on his other hand tightened considerably.

"Garrus."

He tried desperately to think of the right words. He wanted to say it right. He didn't want to say it at all.

"Garrus, what happened to Kaidan?"

He took a deep breath, and looked up into her eyes. Her expression was fierce and full of fire. She would find the truth, whether he told her or not. It was her nature.

"He committed suicide."

Her face went slack with shock. He had never seen her look so completely surprised, not even when they had pushed their way through the Collector Base and found a human Reaper gestating in it's underbelly. He could practically see the information sinking into her mind. Her expression went stony, and hard.

"Tell me," she said, her voice cold.

"Shepard-"

"Don't you dare. Not you. Tell me the truth."

His shoulders sank with disappointment. It had been hard enough telling her the cause of death: that one little sentence that swept up all the ugly little details and packaged them into one clinical whole. How could he hope to unwrap it and show her the facts, one horrible piece at a time?

"Things got...pretty bad on that planet. One or two people died of injuries from the initial crash. A few died of natural causes or accidents. Food poisoning...animal attacks...," he sighed. "But then people started dying in fights. Cabin fever I suppose. Some people were losing hope. We had to do some serious cannibalizing on the ship's systems to get her running again and for a while it looked like...,"

He paused, trying to order his thoughts. He tried to remember where things started to go wrong. He tried to remember how it started, or if he had even noticed at all. Until it was too late.

"People kind of looked to me as a leader. I never really thought about why, at the time. I guess they figured you and I were close, if anyone was going to be the most like you..."

She looked upwards and laughed, tears beginning to well up and spill over her cheeks. He wiped one of them away and smiled when she looked at him.

"Makes sense to me," she said around her tears.

"I tried to keep the peace as best as I could," he said softly. "I tried to keep people's spirits up. But Kaidan...," he trailed off thoughtfully, searching for words.

"He began to pose a problem," he said at last.

"What kind of problem?" She asked, watching him shrewdly.

"He...requisitioned the liquor stores. He had been acting strange. Next thing I know, there's some kind of..'disturbance' in the Port Observatory. I get there, and Kaidan's got a weapon drawn and is refusing to give anyone a drink."

He shook his head at her confused expression. He hadn't understood it at the time, either.

"Something had changed in him, Shepard. He wasn't the same."

Shepard looked up to the ceiling, trying to slow the tide of tears that were pouring over her cheeks.

"I don't have to tell you the rest," he said hopefully.

She shook her head, scowling at the tiles up above.

"Tell me what happened next," she said thickly.

Garrus sighed, frustration and uncertainty rumbling his chest.

"He was the 'town drunk' for a while. I let him keep it. If he wanted to drink his sorrows away, fine. We worked better when we were all sober, anyways," he said, cutting the air with his free hand. But his righteous anger faded as he continued.

"Things didn't get really bad until he ran out. People started to complain. I went out to talk to him, try to reason with him, try to...I don't know- remind him of who he was. I tried to convince him that you wouldn't want to see him this way...," he sighed. "Shouldn't have brought you up," he said darkly.

She frowned deeply at him.

"What do you mean?"

"He hated me Shepard. I mean he _hated _me," he said, his voice full of awe. "I couldn't have even begun to understand just how much."

"_Why?_"

"Because of you. Because you chose me," he said softly.

Shepard turned back to the ceiling, her face expressionless. Garrus found himself staring past her, to a night in an unfamiliar forest, where a familiar face had turned on him. He had known, after the night Shepard had confessed her brief moment of infidelity, that he and Kaidan were no longer friends. But he never expected that Kaidan's hurt could blossom into such fresh hatred.

"We fought, of course. I didn't want to hurt him, Shepard," he said, his voice pleading. "I did my best not to, but he was going to _kill _me."

Shepard nodded, her eyes still fixed on some point far above her.

"I know. It's ok," she said softly. "How did the fight end?"

"I managed to pin him. I gave him two options: either he spent the rest of his time on that miserable planet in lockdown, or he could leave. I would give him all the supplies he would need. He could trade with us and we would bring him with us when we left, but if he came back to camp before then, we would shoot on sight."

She met his eyes, waiting.

"He chose to leave," Garrus said simply.

He remembered watching the Major disappear into the woods. Kaidan had turned back, once. Garrus had seen the look on his face. At the time, it had made him uneasy. Now, he knew why.

"A few nights later we heard a gunshot. We argued over whether we should investigate or not. A lot of people thought we should ignore it. I overruled. I took Liara and Dr. Chakwas with me. Just in case."

He expelled a breath in dry laughter at his own foolishness. Deep down they all knew what had happened.

"He was already gone when we got there. He put his pistol in his mouth...," he stopped, glancing at her to read her face. There was nothing there.

"What did you do with the body?" She said quietly.

"Liara-" he cleared his throat, the words feeling thick, "Liara buried him. She seemed to care about him a great deal, in the end. I suspect that they...that they turned to each other, in your absence."

Shepard glanced at him, not quite surprised but questioning.

"Liara is pregnant," he said quietly. "She hasn't talked about the father to anyone, but I saw her face when we found him, Shepard."

Shepard ran a hand through her hair, before letting it rest over her mouth.

"She must hate me," she said quietly into her palm.

"She's older than that, Shepard," he said gently. "But she is still grieving."

They fell into a respectful silence after that. Her eyes were far away, shining with tears that refused to fall. Finally, her hand slid away from her mouth and rested on top of his. He gave her a reassuring squeeze.

"Did he leave anything explaining _why_?" She asked, turning her deep blue pools on him.

He shrugged uncertainly and scratched his neck.

"I'm not sure. Liara took the data chip from his omni tool. I know she sent something to you. She said that, if you were alive, you would read it when you were ready."

She nodded, swallowing hard. For a moment, he thought she might pull up her omni tool and read whatever the asari had sent her, right then and there. A flicker of fear crumpled her features and she hesitated.

Garrus was a little relieved. He wasn't sure he was ready to know what the Major had to say in his final hours, either.

"I have a few more weeks of physical therapy before they let me out of here," she said, forcing a smile. "Are you going to be around for a while?"

He smiled at her, laughing gently.

"Are you kidding? I'm never letting you out of my sight again."

She grinned at him.

"Planning on a new career as my personal body guard?"

"I'm not sure how many times a person is supposed to narrowly avoid certain death, but I think you humans have an apt saying: 'Third time's a charm'?"

"I'm pretty sure I've actually died once already. For all we know, that means I'm immortal now."

"You are hard to kill," he murmured fondly and leaned forward to press his face into her neck. He breathed her scent deeply and felt dizzy when he realized she smelled exactly the same. She pressed her cheek against him, sighing.

"There's no point putting it off, is there?"

His reply was a deep subvocal of fear and uncertainty. He knew she was talking about the email from Kaidan. As hard as she might try, Shepard was not patient, and she never turned her face from the grim realities of the truth.

He sat back to give her space as she pulled up her omni tool and scanned the many emails that crowded her inbox. When she found the right one, he watched her face to get some idea of what the words might say. There was hurt sparkling in her eyes, but the muscles of her face remained relaxed and impassive.

Finally, she let the little orange window close. They sat in tense silence for a moment while he waited for her to say something, anything.

"Shepard," he said quietly. Her fingers were slowly tightening around his palm with crushing force.

She glanced at him, as if startled.

"Don't get lost in this," he said firmly. She turned away from him, nodding dismissively.

Garrus grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at him.

"I mean it," he said sharply. "Don't let this consume you. Don't follow him, where ever he went. Stay here. With me."

Tears had already begun to pour over her cheeks, re-tracing the paths of the ones that had come before. She sobbed and pulled him toward her with her free hand. He leaned forward willingly, returning the pressure of her lips against his. When she spoke, it was a whisper that she spoke against his mouth.

"There's no place I'd rather be."

XXX

_From: L. T'Soni FWD: From: K. Alenko_

_To: KC. Shepard_

_Subject: Untitled_

_Shepard, _

_I know that there's a slim chance that you will ever see this. I wish I had Vakarian's faith. But all I see is loss. Everything has been taken from me. I know there's nothing I could ever say that would help you understand. Writing this is probably a waste of time. What a waste it all was, for us to end up here. _

_How did we end up here? _

_I'm not sure where it went wrong for me. Some where down the line, I got lost, Shep. I lost sight of everything. I couldn't tell the difference between lovers, enemies and friends. I've managed to hurt everyone I care about. After everything that has happened...I'm tired. I'm so tired, Shepard. _

_I want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way things ended between us. I'm sorry I couldn't be the better man and move on. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you needed. _

_I hope you find happiness, Shepard, whether in this life or the next. _

_With love, forever and always, _

_Kaidan Alenko_


End file.
